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How to make money from cold callers

Our first book, ‘How to be evil’, is the collected cartoon works of Evil Stick Man, our Machiavellian doodle whose get-rich-quick schemes have featured in Delayed Gratification since the very first issue.

Here’s Evil Stick Man on how to make money from cold callers. For more of his nefarious how-to guides, order a copy of ‘How to be evil’ from the DG shop.

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Set up a premium rate phone number which gives you a large one-off payment and per-minute fee for each call received.

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Update your bank, utilities providers, pay-TV company and insurers with your new premium rate phone number.

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Sign up for every free quote callback service you see advertised online. Give your number and details freely to companies who stop you in the street.

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Get your landline to forward to a mobile headset. Start receiving calls.

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Begin each call by making the caller listen to you practising “chopsticks” on the piano.

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Keep the salespeople talking for as long as possible by speaking slowly, getting them to repeat everything and asking them to spell “PPI”. Experiment with different accents.

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Field calls while making tea, reading Russian novels or playing arpeggios. If you get bored, buy a parrot and train it to say ‘mmm hmmm’ and ‘sounds good!’ at random intervals.

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When an automated robot calls with a pre-recorded sales message, take a well-earned break from your headset and perfect your Beethoven sonata.

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Use the money to bribe your way on to the bill at the Last Night of the Proms.

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