How to pull off a transfer coup
Our first book, ‘How to be evil’, features the collected cartoon works of Evil Stick Man, a Machiavellian doodle whose get-rich-quick schemes have featured in Delayed Gratification since the very first issue.
Here’s Evil Stick Man on how to pull off a transfer coup. For more of his nefarious how-to guides, order a copy of ‘How to be evil’ from the DG shop.
Set yourself up as an agent. Contract two unsigned strikers, stipulating you will get 20 percent of all their transfer fees. Oversee sale of Player A to Club X and Player B to Club Y. Pocket your 20 percent.
Wait for six months. Place an anonymous tip to a major sports channel that manager of Club X is tracking Player B. Watch it get released as ‘breaking news’.
Get a tame journalist to ask the manager of Club X if he is a fan of Player B. Watch him say yes (they never say no).
Get the tame journalist to ask Player B if he would be flattered to play for Club X. Watch him say yes (they never say no).
Point out to Player A that his club appear to be openly courting Player B, who plays in the same position as him. Player A will now tweet something stupid. Player B will respond in kind.
Turn all conversations with journalists to the “war” between clubs X and Y over players A and B.
Watch media storm during which players demand “dream move”, fans demand “dream signing” and cost of the players rises.
Oversee sales of Player A to Club Y and Player B to Club X. Pocket fee.
You are now very rich. Pay to have your face added to Mount Rushmore.
Slow Journalism in your inbox, plus infographics, offers and more: sign up for the DG newsletter. Sign me up
Thanks for signing up.