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How to pull off a transfer coup

Our first book, ‘How to be evil’, features the collected cartoon works of Evil Stick Man, a Machiavellian doodle whose get-rich-quick schemes have featured in Delayed Gratification since the very first issue.

Here’s Evil Stick Man on how to pull off a transfer coup. For more of his nefarious how-to guides, order a copy of ‘How to be evil’ from the DG shop.

esm1201

Set yourself up as an agent. Contract two unsigned strikers, stipulating you will get 20 percent of all their transfer fees. Oversee sale of Player A to Club X and Player B to Club Y. Pocket your 20 percent.

esm1202

Wait for six months. Place an anonymous tip to a major sports channel that manager of Club X is tracking Player B. Watch it get released as ‘breaking news’.

esm1203

Get a tame journalist to ask the manager of Club X if he is a fan of Player B. Watch him say yes (they never say no).

esm1204

Get the tame journalist to ask Player B if he would be flattered to play for Club X. Watch him say yes (they never say no).

esm1205

Point out to Player A that his club appear to be openly courting Player B, who plays in the same position as him. Player A will now tweet something stupid. Player B will respond in kind.

esm1206

Turn all conversations with journalists to the “war” between clubs X and Y over players A and B.

esm1207

Watch media storm during which players demand “dream move”, fans demand “dream signing” and cost of  the players rises.

esm1208

Oversee sales of Player A to Club Y and Player B to Club X. Pocket fee.

esm1209

You are now very rich. Pay to have your face added to Mount Rushmore.

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